66 6-Word Stories

1. 9th inning, Jeter can’t find socks

2. Dyslexic man gets car in ass

3. Black plague wipes out alt-white

4. Man plays with fire, pees bed

5. Dreamt about it. Then did it. 

6. Dinner and a Movie: Execution Edition

7. Breaking News: Giant llamas. Loogies everywhere.

8. Taylor Swift confesses: “I’m the worst”

9. 2016: Biggie dead of heart disease

10. Frank Ocean drowns under crowd surf

11. It's benign! Wait, wrong file. Sorry. 

12. Champion jockey swallows Pride, crowd vomits

13. Pull door sick of being pushed

14. Serial killer rehabilitated in cereal factory 

15. Winter cancelled after one trillion seasons

16. Heroin wins the war on drugs

17. Study reveals: Researchers missed important details

18. Cancer cures itself, scientific community jealous

19. "Fuck this," said the hungry vegan. 

20. Scooby Doo: “Ry Rattle Rith Rulimia”

21. “Somebody better cut my hotdog” - Trump

22. The closest bathroom was too far

23. Great White banned from poker tourney

24. Nonconformist kitten poops outside the box

25. Puberty: Where nightmares meet wet dreams

26. New puppy digs up former pet

27. Trophy wife shot, stuffed and mounted

28. Wheelchair basketball star nails 360 dunk

29. Woolly Mammoth revived, immediately has diarrhea 

30. Self-destructing in 3, 2, 1...

31. We used syrup instead of lube

32. Stairway to heaven - slippery when wet

33. Torched haystack. Found needle. Problem solved. 

34. “Joining the president is her wife…”

35. One baby to another: “You're adopted.”

36. Pro life. Pro choice. Pro lobbyist. 

37. My Mom proudly displayed Dad's body

38. Texas demographics: 95% homophobic, 8% gay

39. Monday morning: Phone, keys, wallet, shotgun.

40. “Cut the blue wire,” he lied. 

41. Born a twin; graduated only child. 

42. Open casket funeral. Open bar, too. 

43. I woke up during the autopsy…

44. Student as think as she drunks

45. Floating body saves family from drowning

46. STEM students stop fellating, start membraning

47. They both swiped right. Now what?

48. Local man’s epitaph: Hold my beer. 

49. Community swear jar runneth fucking over

50. Bull in china shop suprisingly gentle  

51. Pig and spider somehow now BFFs

52. Tom catches Jerry, apologizes for everything 

53. Local man’s girlfriend charges him hourly

54. Paper boy evolves into paper man

55. If you have it… do I? 

56. Turns out carbon monoxide doesn’t smell

57. Woman marries mannequin, pregnant with mannekids

58. Day 14: Eclipse still in progress…

59. Staring contest interrupted by passing train

60. Grandma hosted elderly orgy. Nobody came.

61. “Curiosity again,” declared the kitten coroner.

62. Hand job. Blow job. Day job. 

63. 5 billion euthanized, climate change reversed

64. My suicide post got 22 likes

65. Cute Christian girl looking for same

66. Zoo elephant never sober, always forgets

High School Me Was A Hardass

When I was 15, I was tough as a $2 steak. I even made heavy music \m/ 

I always thought the music brought out something primal in me. Turns out I was just releasing my inner child. My mom said I did the same shit in the grocery store as a toddler—you know, flail and scream. 

I'm still tough. And lightly seasoned.

Enjoy these gems. And hell yes, that's me with the microphone. 

This quality entertainment brought to you by angsty midwestern teenagers. 

Merit badges they don't teach in the Boy Scout Manual

Yes. I was once a Boy Scout. At the time, merit badges were almost as cool as Pokemon badges. Almost.

There's a merit badge for just about everything. But what about all the ones you can't name? Don't worry, I gotchu.

The “MacGyver” Badge:

Awarded to Scouts with killer instinct and creativity. For those who can fashion a spear out of any stick, a whip out of any vine, or a bludgeon out of any pinecone.

The “Mooch” Badge:

Given to the Scout who is forever unprepared. Criteria include bumming snacks, sunscreen and socks off other Scouts and never realizing just how fucking annoying they are.

The “Leafy Improviser” Badge:

Exclusive to Scouts that demonstrate innovation and a sense of adventure. Requirements include using a leaf from a live plant and not getting poison ivy in your ass.

The “World is my Sandbox” Badge

Awarded to Scouts that abandon the luxury of indoor plumbing and become one with nature. A prerequisite to the “Leafy Improviser” badge.

The “Snitch Without a Stitch” Badge:

Awarded to the stealthiest tattletale Scout. Requirements include ratting on fellow Scouts, but somehow always getting away with it.

The “Shut Up or I'll Tell My Dad” Badge:

Bestowed upon the Scout whose father is the short-shorts-wearing Scoutmaster. Criteria include being an entitled little shit and a giant wuss.

The “Our Little Secret” Badge:

Granted to the Scout who has been selected to work the tool that could jeopardize the Scoutmaster’s integrity, career and marriage.